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鈥淚 got an e-mail from your English teacher today. She said you are getting a D because you haven鈥檛 turned in five assignments. She asked me to call her.鈥�

Connor looked at her for a second. 鈥淚 thought I turned everything in,鈥� he muttered. 鈥淪he must鈥檝e lost those assignments. Besides, some of them were stupid.鈥�

鈥淟ost them?鈥�

鈥淵eah, she isn鈥檛 organized. She doesn鈥檛 tell us what鈥檚 expected鈥� He paused, then added, 鈥淪he just contacted you today? The quarter is almost over!鈥�

鈥淲ell, I鈥檓 not happy!鈥� Connor鈥檚 mom said. 鈥淵ou sure you turned them in? Why didn鈥檛 she notify me sooner?鈥�

鈥淵eah. Besides, she doesn鈥檛 like me.鈥�

Common Behavior

Teachers shake their heads at the excuses students make for their performance in school and why some parents are willing to accept them. Unfortunately, these narratives occur frequently. The 鈥渋t鈥檚 not my fault鈥� attitude may imply something more serious if it occurs regularly.

This behavior shows up at home and school. We hear it in the way children talk: 鈥渢he milk spilled,鈥� 鈥渢he toy broke鈥� and, if there are siblings at home, 鈥渉e/she made me do it.鈥�

Older students鈥� language is geared to deflecting responsibility: 鈥渢he class is boring!鈥� 鈥渟he鈥檚 not prepared鈥� or 鈥渉e plays favorites.鈥�

Generally, these responses carry one of three themes. One is a victim story: I am innocent and I am not at fault for what happened. The second is my behavior is someone else鈥檚 fault: I am innocent at the hands of a villain or perpetrator. The third: I am helpless and there was nothing I could do.

Refusal to accept personal responsibility is the common thread in all.

Individuals with a victim mentality and the nonproductive drama they create frustrates others. They play the 鈥減oor me鈥� card and never feel answerable for their behavior or experiences. Blame and the alleged actions of others are the focus, implying they were not in any way culpable for the situation or they were powerless to address it.

Victim mentality is a self-defeating quality. They are passive-aggressive exacerbating events that spiral out of control. This mentality moves the locus of control of their life from internal to external 鈥� outside of their sphere of responsibility and not within their influence. They reject any accountability for their responses or situations they face.

Self-defined victims lose credibility over time as they hide under a veil of innocence. For children, this can be severely destructive, just as it is in the adult workplace. This passive-aggressive position makes them irresponsible bystanders in life and events.

Capacity to Act

Adults and children have the ability to respond 鈥� they have choices. Life is not always easy. Difficulties are inevitable. All people have the freedom to act and manage their lives. They choose to become a victim and find comfort in victimhood. The stigma of failure and shirking responsibility prevents the opportunity to learn and improve.

A victim mentality is a result of learned helplessness, which is disempowering. Everyone on occasion has uncomfortable feelings about his or her abilities. Pity and sympathy for the victim in these cases creates a sense of validation and results in a continuation of that behavior.

Children must learn from parents and others that they are response- able and not engage in self-destructive behavior. They need to perceive the world around them, understand situations and manage circumstances to ensure they meet their responsibilities.

The 鈥減oor me鈥� victim attitude is a recipe for failure. Victim mentality impedes self-discovery, continued learning and mature adaptation to life. Facing reality and making choices requires courage and character. Making excuses for children does them no favors.